The Giggle Zone
   
       
 
 

A collection of funny and bizarre stories and jokes that will make you laugh or think about it for a while.If you come across any other funny material, jokes or something that made you laugh, please send them to me here

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  Murder or Suicide riddle Bad Reception Joke  
  Horse-Play Funny Story Bumpy Carpet  
  Inner Peace Bill Gates Cars Joke  
  Woman's Opinion of Man Big Boss  
  Car repair Blonde at Work  
  Funny Monkeys Men v Women Driver  
  Deathbed Confession Three men speak to God  
       
       
 
       
 
A true but funny story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt

 

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-storey building intending to commit suicide.

 

He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

 

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

 

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

 

"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still  fined as committing suicide." That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

 

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus.

 

When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."

 

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.

 

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.

 

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

 

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

 

Now comes the exquisite twist.

 

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten storey building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

 

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Horse Play


A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.


"What was that for?" He asks


"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.


"Don't be silly " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on".

She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around he asks


"What was that for?"

"Your horse phoned" she replied.

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Inner Peace

 
 

This has worked for me and I think it may work for you as well.

I have found Inner Peace.

Recently, I read an article that stated: The best way to achieve inner peace is to 'Finish Things You Have Started.'

So today I finished two large bags of Maltesers, the last half of a Bird's Eye Dairy Cream Sponge, a full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva Chocolates and I beat the living shit out of someone I have never liked.

I feel better than I have felt for a long time.

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Womans opinion of men

 
  Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him or Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A. By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

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Deathbed Confession

 

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one, Craig, who was nothing short of gruesome.

While on his deathbed, the husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I Craig's father?"

"Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours."

"I can die a happy man. Goodbye my love."

And the man peacefully passed away.

 

Marie gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me about the other three."

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Bad Reception

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"

The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

 

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

 

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

 

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"


"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."

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Bumpy Carpet

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette. Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing. He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.

 

When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

 

"Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen. Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?"

 

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Bill Gates & Cars

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

 

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The Big Boss

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

 

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

 

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

 

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

 

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

 

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.

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A Blondes Brain at Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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Men and Women Drivers

 

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

 

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

 

If only men would listen.

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3 Men speak to God

 

God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth.

 

Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all.

God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves.

 

Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!

God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.

 

Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and...

God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire!

 

Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.

Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!

 

Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"

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